Therapy for people pleasing

There are a lot of reasons why we people-please. Some of it has to do with the way we were raised and the culture in our family. Other times, it’s because of societal pressures, gender expectations, or just the way things are in our culture. We learn to please others both directly and subtly.

We're naturally wired to want to be liked and feel like we belong, and this is often tied to people-pleasing. Things like social anxiety, cultural or family expectations, experiences of trauma and gender norms can make us feel like we have to please others. And, sometimes, we need to do it in order to stay safe.

But when it’s not about our safety or well-being, I often ask, “What is it that you don’t want to feel?”

A lot of times, I hear people say things like, “I don’t want to upset that person” or “I don’t want to let them down.” Our focus tends to go outward, to the impact on others when we don’t set a boundary or say yes when we really mean no. But there is so much to learn when we shift the focus back to ourselves.

Therapy for people pleasing and anxiety.

So, here’s the big question: What do you feel that is uncomfortable when you say no or set a boundary? This is a key moment because people-pleasing is not just about pleasing the other person, it’s also about not upsetting ourselves.

Is it guilt? Fear? Anxiety? The next time you say yes when you mean no, try getting curious about what’s happening inside you.

This is a big first step in changing those people-pleasing patterns. Pay attention to any physical sensations that make you feel uncomfortable. What story are you telling yourself?

Try stepping back and watching what happens within yourself. Just the intention to be curious about the discomfort shows that you can create a little space from the uncomfortable experience.

It can help to ask yourself: Is there a part of me that knows it’s okay to set a boundary when I need to even while feeling this anxiety? Is it okay if someone is upset with me, even if it feels uncomfortable? Can I explore being with the uncomfortable emotion or sensation?

I talk more about the inner critic in another post, but I bring it up here because this is often a space where it shows up. The key is to invite the critic into the conversation but not let it take over. You don’t let it take over by naming it and recognizing it for what it is. Often, the critic is trying to stop you from feeling anxiety. It’s there to make you feel so bad that you fall back into your old patterns, get in line, and keep pleasing others. But the more you notice it, the less power it has over you.

When people-pleasing is driven by anxiety, we can get stuck in that cycle (you can read more about that in my other blog here). But it’s important to let those uncomfortable feelings come up, so we can teach ourselves that, even though it’s uncomfortable, we can handle it. And the next time we say don’t people please, that anxious feeling may be a little bit less.

The more we face them, the better we get at seeing guilt and anxiety for what they are. We can work with them as a hard to feel part of ourselves, rather than believe whole heartedly that those emotions came up because we have done something we shouldn’t have.

It’s not easy. Those of you who know me personally know that I can also spiral when I say no or when I know someone is upset with me. But the goal is keep moving toward building a deeper relationship with yourself—and with the parts of you that try to hold you back from showing up fully, boundaries and all.

Feeling like you could use some support?